You’ve got the date nights, the “Good Morning, Beautiful” texts, the lunch break, and mid-week conversations, but the future talk is non-existent or just surface-level. He’s in your life, but not a part of it. You know about his life, but you’re nowhere near involved in it. You’ve got him, but you feel like you don’t fully have him, so what’s the deal? The deal is, you’re a placeholder.
This post is going to help you learn what it means to be a placeholder to somebody, why it happens, signs you might be a placeholder, and what to do about it, because God didn’t create you to be someone’s “for now.” He created you to be someone’s “for life.”
A Placeholder: What It Is
Being someone’s placeholder is when you’re the “for now” girl, not the “for the long-term” girl. You’re the woman he keeps on a metaphorical shelf, and only takes down for convenience, comfort, conversation, or companionship. You’re the one who fills the space of a romantic partner, but you’re not a priority like a partner would be.
- Placeholder: Convenient, short-term, emotionally surface-level, no concrete plans.
- Priority: Future-focused, emotionally invested, consistent actions that match words.
Before we continue, I want you to know that someone putting you in the role of placeholder has absolutely nothing to do with your worth or you at all, for that matter. It’s about them and their intentions, and in this case, those intentions are not to be committed to you.
Now that you know what the Placeholder Effect is, let’s dive deeper into why it happens, the signs you might just be one, and, of course, how to handle it if you think you are.
Why It Happens
People put others in the role of a placeholder in their lives for many reasons, and believe it or not, it’s not always for a toxic reason. That still doesn’t mean it’s okay or that you should settle for it because you shouldn’t. Here are some of the well-known, as well as less commonly known, reasons a person will keep you as a placeholder.
Fear of Commitment or Settling Down: Some people panic at the very thought of a long-term commitment. They enjoy the companionship and other things that go along with a relationship, but they’ll avoid the emotional vulnerability real commitment requires, like it’s a plague.
Holding Out for Their Ideal Partner: They’ve built this fantasy of what the “perfect person” is, and they’ll keep you around while they wait for the one who comes along that checks every box on this entirely unrealistic list. In my experience, more often than not, this list is based on shallow aspects such as looks.
Using the Relationship as a Comfort Zone: They’re lonely, and you take away that loneliness while they figure out what they “really” want. This one is pretty easy to spot. It’s the one who only reaches out during the times when it would be a “couple” moment. Think: “Yo, you up?”, “You busy?”, “WYD?” and the other 84 million flavors used in this situation. (Not always a booty call)
Rebounding From a Previous Relationship: You’re the one who’s helping them heal, or distracting them from somebody else, but they’re not ready to fully invest in you, and may never will. From my experience, once they’re good to go, you find out it’s time for you to go too.
Unresolved Personal Goals or Life Transitions: They may be focused on their career, relocating, or their personal growth, so they don’t feel a serious relationship will fit into their current priorities. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing. In the case of a good guy, it’s the mature, respectful, adult thing to do. They know it’s not a good idea to get involved in a serious relationship right now, so they don’t, but they’ll still keep you around to fulfill what a relationship would. And it’s still not okay.
Fear of Hurting You by Leaving: Some people keep placeholders around because they don’t want to be “the bad guy”. They think that if they keep stringing you along, it’s better than ending it. It’s not.
Emotional Unavailability: They’ve learned somewhere along their journey through life that relationships must be kept at a surface level, and they can’t get too close to someone for whatever reason. Usually, this one has to do with past trauma, their attachment style, or even a fear of intimacy.
Testing the Waters: This is where they don’t know how they feel about you, but they know something is there, so they do a “trial run” without telling you what’s going on. Still not okay, but also, not toxic. It’s usually the shy guys who do this one.
As you can see, there are lots of reasons someone may put you as a placeholder in their life, and it’s not always toxic, narcissistic, or that they’re a horrible person. It’s still not okay, and you still shouldn’t settle for it. God did not create you to settle for an almost. He created you to live in alignment.
Signs You’re a Placeholder
Being a placeholder sucks big time and has a bunch of negative, sometimes devastating effects on the person in that role. It’s crucial that you recognize the signs of being a placeholder to avoid it in the future. They are:
Your Future Together Is Always Vague
When you talk about the future with them, they give vague, non-committal answers such as “We’ll see”, “Let’s see where it goes”, and “Let’s just enjoy what we have.” What they really mean is they’re planning the future, but they don’t see you in it.”
You Feel Like a Backup Plan
This is where you’re the one who gets the “Hey, you busy later on?” text later in the evening. You only spend time with them or talk to them when the plans they had have fallen through, they’re lonely, or they’re bored. Simply, honey, you aren’t the priority–you’re the raincheck.
Affection Without Commitment
You get the “I miss you” message, the kisses, and the cuddles, but you don’t get the commitment. There are no clear labels or exclusivity. There aren’t any steps being taken to progress into a life together. When you do ask them the “what are we?” question, they either freeze up, ghost you completely, or, in most cases, they stick to those vague responses we discussed earlier, like “Let’s just keep things as they are for now.”
They Don’t Involve You In Their World
You know about their life, but you’re not involved in it. You’ve been seeing each other, dating, or “talking” forever and a day, and you still haven’t met the friends, the family, the pets, nothing. You two are living life side by side, but not together. When you bring up becoming more involved in their world, they’ll start throwing defenses and excuses at you like they’re at the carnival, throwing balls, trying to hit the target so the person falls into the dunk tank.
Hot and Cold Behavior
They’re texting you like whoa, spending time with you, just making you feel all special. Then, when you least expect it, they either put distance between you like you’ve got the flu, or they pull a Houdini and disappear. Then it’s rinse and repeat, popping back up out of nowhere, especially if they sense or hear that you’re moving on. The push and pull keep you hooked, but he’s only maintaining the connection just enough to keep you around.
The Relationship Is Only Known To The Two Of You
The relationship only happens behind closed doors. There are no public outings, unless it’s a situation where the likelihood of being seen together is extremely low. Summary–nobody knows you even exist in his life, except for a few people whom he might have told the truth. That truth being it isn’t serious.
Big Life Decisions Don’t Include You
When it comes to things like moving, his career, purchases he wants to make, and the other big decisions, you aren’t included in that process. This one is a bit tricky because there are situations where they’ll try to throw you off by doing a one-off “What do you think?”, but no follow-up.
You Can Just Tell Something Is “Off”
To be honest, this is one that I’d suggest you pay attention to the most because our gut (spirit) knows when something isn’t right, and honey, in my experiences, if it’s telling you something is off, then it is. As silly as it sounds, I like to think of this one as God’s way of giving me a Heavenly text message; they have got to go.
If any of these signs matched up to what you’re experiencing, the likelihood of you being a placeholder is high. Depending on how many you matched up with, the chances are very high. Believe me, I know the wisdom whistle God just used me to blow is causing all kinds of emotions and feelings, and rightfully so. If you’re like I used to be, you’ve probably already got the text or call drafted in your mind, too. So with that said–
Put. That. Phone. Down.
What To Do If You Think You Are a Placeholder
Remember, we’re not doing things the way we have before.
Here’s what we’re not going to do:
- Allow our emotions and feelings to take over, and cause us to spiral, or do, say, and text things we may regret later on.
- Go down the rabbit hole of overanalyzing every detail of the situation.
- Get in touch with our girlfriends so we can form a team and go full-blown detective mode.
- Allow this situation to make us think negatively about ourselves in any way!
- Anything else we know darn well we shouldn’t be doing, or that isn’t going to help us or the situation.
Here is what we’re going to do instead.
First, and most importantly, we’re going to pause and get into prayer with our Heavenly Father, give it to Him, ask Him what to do, and let Him lead the way. Then:
Get clear about our needs: Write down what you want out of a relationship, and what you won’t settle for.
Communicate Directly: Ask them what they want, where they see this going, listen to their responses, and watch their actions.
Set Boundaries: Boundaries aren’t rejection. They’re protection, and they teach people how to treat you. In this case, simply put, don’t accept casual if you want commitment.
Be Ready to Walk Away: Sometimes, you have to walk away to be able to open the room in your heart and life for the one who will make you a priority, and give you the happy, healthy, faith-led, committed relationship you want. It hurts, and it’s nowhere near easy, but once you do, you’ll see it was the best decision you could have made.
Conclusion
Look, being a placeholder in someone’s life, whether that’s romantically or not, does not mean you are unworthy, unlovable, or not valuable. It means the person has put you in a role that you don’t deserve to be in. The role of holding a place in their life for some need, want, or desire of theirs, instead of making you the priority.
Do yourself a favor and love yourself enough to choose yourself first, even if it means you have to break your own heart, and walk away. That’s the only way you’re going to be able to stop this cycle of being someone’s “for now” and allow God to bring you the one He created just for you, who will make you his “forever.”
This is just one of the many topics we get into in the community, and not just what was discussed here. We’d love to have you with us! So, come on and get your beautiful self up in here, and join us as we walk this road together, continue our healing journeys, connect with other women who ‘just get it’, and have tons of fun on top of it, in a faith-led, God centered, positive, encouraging, supportive, drama-free, upbeat, and fun atmosphere!
Thanks for reading this post and for being here in general! May God bless you and yours abundantly and exceedingly above anything you can think, perceive, or imagine, just as His Word promises!
Until next time, I love ya! You know God loves you more!
Angel <3 <3 <3
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